Religious Zealots

Ah Labor Day weekend! Some of you probably got the day off, but I didn't. You see, if the Texas A&M system recognized Labor Day, that might imply that they're pro-labor and just a bunch of bleeding heart liberals. We can't have that, not in this goddamned town.

Speaking of God, I would like to ask that Your Lordship to please stop this self-rightous, cheerleading religious right madness, Please? This morning, I was walking to class, minding my own business, when this zealot intersects my path. I just thought he was like 90% of the people on the planet and just didn't have a very good sense of direction, but I was mistaken.

So he's like, "Hi, my name is James, (I think that's what his name was, the interesting thing about human memory is that it blocks out lots of details when presented with a stressful situation), and I'm with the Department of Annoyance." This should have been my first clue, but the next item hit the nail on the head with a big fat hammer of fundementalism. "Do you know about Jesus?"

Oh, you mean this guy that was alive about 2000 years ago that had really great ideas about people getting along with each other by treating their neighbors like they'd like to be treated. A guy that thought it was a pretty good idea to keep gov't and big business out of the church and also encouraged people to pay their taxes and give to non-profit organizations (like the church) freely? Yeah, I think I know about him. I am a Liberal Christian, part of the Spiritual Left. You know, the way Jesus would really act, not this, Department of Annoyance bullshit. The only thing this guy had was a business card that had a Bible verse written backwards on the back. The card looked semi-government official looking, like the Department of Annoyance was some kind of Department that G. Dub. launched.

So I continue to walk on to class, and this bastard keeps following me! I had already told him that I am a Christian, but I don't know if he believed me. Gave me some gibberish about, "Yeah, I know how that is, I used to be an Atheist and would tell people that to get them to leave me alone." Geezus H. Christ on a pogo-stick! Can we please move all these people to the middle of the desert and let them practice this kind of spiritual immaturity on one another?

So I get to the Psychology department, and was running short on time before class. I just had to ask one question, "I'm a liberal. Do you believe that I can be a liberal AND be a Christian?" The zealot had no answer. I just said, "Well, I've gotta get to class, see ya later."

I know that I won't.

So I have to wonder, why did this guy pick me? Was I just the only person around? No, there were several other people around me. Did I have on some offensive article of clothing? No, just shorts, a t-shirt, and my worn and trusted sandals. I have to think that it was because I looked different. I was the only guy around with longish hair and a beard...like some wild-eyed mountain man. Mr. Zealot probably thought if he could endocrinate me, he would have bagged the grand prize. There's the chance that he wanted to reach everyone, but consider this: Why would he follow me to class if he was trying to reach everyone? Why would he think I was an Atheist if I told him that I was a Christian? Why would he flounder on the Liberal AND Christian question?

To adapt Hunter S. Thompson's rallying cry against the mainstream: You people voted for George W. Bush, and you killed Jesus!